First the teeth. So my dad was all excited when I got back from a rather shit session of college math. He has this weird tivo type thing and he was just ecstatic to tell me he was taping a new horror movie he came across called ‘teeth’. I shook my head and laughed.

His first response was a confused and disappointed sounding WHAT!? WHATS WRONG WITH TEETH!? “Well,” I said, “Its a movie about a girl who gets raped and her vagina grows teeth so she becomes a super hero that bites off, men’s who are dicks, dicks.” Then an awkward pause as his face went to greater confusion, then shock and finally anger. “Who would want to make a fucking movie about that?” Followed by a grumble of, as he faced the tv in anger, “I ain’t gonna watch that shit.”

Yes my dad has now learned of the movie ‘Teeth’.  I haven’t watched it yet. See a long time ago I read some strange adult comic that was titled something like “nazi hookers”, not sure on that name but it was right around the time I read “Spore whores” a comic about an alien zombie virus that spreads through sex. Yeah, there are adult comics and chances are 30% of the comic sales at your local comic stores are these gems. Anyway, the nazi one had one amazing feature, the nazi women had teeth in their vaginas. Yeah, I just don’t see ‘teeth’ living up to that kind of quality, it is demented, but not demented enough for me to have sought it out yet. Maybe if he let it finish recording I will watch it this weekend.

UPDATE! Saw it and it was much tamer than I expected. More of a teen coming of age comedy. Had a feel similar to that killer sheep movie “Black Sheep”, from new zeland.

I can not wait till I track down a copy of ‘The Human Centipede’ and get him to watch that. Hey he might like it, he sat through ‘Gozu’ and ‘Visitor Q’ and liked both. He just said with a grin “You know this is one sick fuckin movie you got me watchin” and followed up with “whats wrong with you?”, but he kept watching.  Yeah kinda ran outta money fast and sent my college account into the negative like every term, so unless I find a copy of ‘Human Centipede’ that someone is willing to gift to me, well that beauty is going to have to wait.

UPDATE! GOT HUMAN CENTIPEDE! It disapointed me, but there is going to be a sequel, so, my fingers are crossed in hope.

Unless there is vomiting in it my dad will sit through some very messed up movies. I am still looking for a copy of the Clive Barker movie about getting skinned alive. It is all shot in negative style, so the black and white are reversed. It was one of his early films, but it is supposed to be sickeningly realistic. Enough on cinema, I am such a cinema junkie (praise ‘Man Bites Dog’), onto the other topic…Fish tacos.

Some years ago I noticed that one of the local mexican restaurants served fish tacos during that fish eating holiday the catholics have about belly button lint (yeah I know its really about fasting and self sacrifice). They had this ad that said “Fish taco just $1.25.” Well of course I stole that sign and put it in the back window of my mom’s car. Who wouldn’t? So my mom drove around for a few months advertising a fish taco at a bargain price.

So whats that got to do with now? Well my mom had taken me shopping. We hadn’t gotten drunk first, so my mind was working. Yeah drunk shopping with your mom is hilarious, try it sometime. Oh yeah I was talking about the new situation.

So… my mom is like “I need some Halloween earings that look like candy corn. Having recently been to the jewelry section of that store (I had to find something to send my fav. Penpal, and no it wasn’t jewelry, I could only afford a mickey mouse metal key chain) and seen that they had earings that looked like candy corn, I decided to show my mom.  While there with my mom I saw that one set had been tampered with. Someone had removed and replaced one earing so that they both said “TRICK”. This was to good as it would be like the fish taco incident all over again.

The thought of my mom wearing earings that said “TRICK” was just to good. I played it cool and waited. She was looking at the others and had a different complaint about each one. I took my chance and said “how about these ones mom?” and handed them to her.  HOOK, line and sinker she took the bait!

“OH these are great…., but someone must have mixed them up. They both say trick.” she looked at me and said.

I had to bite my lip to keep from cracking up and just managed to mumble “um”

“Oh well that’s a Halloween thing right? That shouldn’t hurt anything right?” she asked.

MY GOD DID YOU EAT PAINT CHIPS AS A CHILD MOTHER! Don’t you know trick is another word for hooker, or to commit the act of selling sex is turning a trick? Trying not to grin I simply replied “Nope shouldn’t hurt a thing.” and she bought them.

Now I just have to convince her to dress as something attractive and get a pimp costume. I can totally get that past her, I know I can. OOOOH OOOH I could even go around introducing her to people and bossing her around and trying to do all the talking for her! …..shit with the pimp outfit she could dress as whatever as long as she has those earings on! This is too good!

Before any of you readers scowl at this blog; my mom does deserve this. One Halloween she tricked me into eating DOG TREATS! I didn’t know. I liked them so much that I even drove to her house to ask for more (yes I was an adult and fell for it, and yes I had moved out of my parents and everything….EVIL WOMAN!). Well she then informed me they were dog treats. Then as I got mad and turned red with rage, hate transforming my face into a demons mask…..she took one out of the box and ate it, then offered me another one. Yeah, she ate one so I couldn’t even complain. That is dedication to a joke.

I of course congratulated her on the joke and vowed revenge. Since then I have tried multiple times to feed her doggy Ice cream. I always pick hot summer days and will get her a bowl of regular ice cream. Then one day I get her a bowl of doggy ice cream instead. I always hide it so that she doesn’t know that there is even doggy ice cream around. Somehow she always knows and says “nah I don’t feel like ice cream, you can have it.”

She has been doing this kind of stuff forever. She even once spent a week convincing me that I was half midget and had me go to school and tell everyone. That was in the seventh grade I think. Screw you reader, I WAS HIGH ON ALLERGY MEDS! IT WAS BACK WHEN THEY PUT PSUEDOPHEDRINE IN EVERYTHING! YOU WOULD HAVE MADE THE SAME MISTAKE! Anyway my point is she deserves this.

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