In these hard economic times I am glad I was a boyscout. That I made it to eagle. That I know first aid.

Face it most of us can’t afford insurance these days. There are alternatives. So that brings me to what I have been doing over the last 3 years when I need to goto the doctor.

See I am supost to be high risk for skin cancer. I don’t care. I have asthma, a heart murmur, extremely severe allergies, a rare blood condition triggered by heat, and a bunch of crap I don’t plan on letting control my life, or hold me down. So whenever I get a questionable mole I am supposed to go to the skin doctor.

Well these moles that hurt funny and are multi colored and have varied shapes and diameters and all that crap happen a lot. They hurt and flake and bleed and get pustules even. I have had so many removed over the years…..3 by doctors that had to be checked for cancer. Okay three isn’t really that many. They all needed biopsies and that is a lot to have had to check for cancer.

So now that I am without insurance it goes like this. Get rubbing alcohol, cotton balls, q-tips, towels, Tripple antibio creme, bandages, gauze, medical tape, some alcohol and a large amount of pills ready. Clean the operating area. Pop pills and get drunk after you have everything positioned. Oh make sure your over a tile floor and remember cold water is best for cleaning up blood and removing blood stains.

Once the pills and liqour kick in you tend to think and act slower, so everything has to be positioned in a way that you will use it in the right order and for the right purpose. Now I didn’t list it but part of the early process is finding a big pair of toenail clippers. Take a lighter to em and scrub those evil bastards down with rubbing alcohol.

If everything is in order and the numbness has started it is time for some quick action. Soon I may not be conscious. So I stuff a towel in my mouth to stop any screaming and any slobbering. Then I begin cutting around the area and cut the mole off. Moles either dont bleed and have no feeling or bleed like your gonna die and hurt even worse. The alcohol is going to make your blood much thinner too so expect a lot of blood. Also for those of you who have never had a mole removed, they tend to be like an iceburg… bigger below the visible surface, so a lot of cutting and digging around underneath.

Hopefully you get lucky on the underneath part. With all that blood you tend to just dig around and guess. If it starts growing back later then I just have to wait till its fully healed and try again about three months later, just to be sure.

After the cutting is done the next hour or more is simple. APPLY PRESSURE AND DO NOT CHECK THE WOUND! yeah its still bleeding so no need to look. Moles do not heal fast. If you cut all of the mole out then it will heal a bit faster, but you had better just wait it out and then get ready for the next part.

At this point it is do not move unless absolutely necessary and then only slight movements. Any tugging of skin from too much movement and the bleeding will pick up again. Get some rubbing alcohol on a towel tip and try cleaning up the blood while keeping pressure on the wound. Ready your q-tips with tripple anti cream and get your bandages ready to be placed.  Once you think you have it slowly remove the pressure from the wound.

now fill that sucker with triple anit and gently get it bandaged before the blood comes flowing out and prevents the bandages from adhering. You only have a few seconds and if you screw up it is apply pressure and wait again.

Now do not even think that youve stopped the bleeding. If you have done well the bandage is sealed on there and will probably begin bulging and pulsing a bit. Don’t worry there is triple anti in there and it is steralized and the bandage will stop you from bleeding out. the blood will fill the pocket you created and just kind of be there. Now relax watch some TV and when you try to sleep dont lay in a way that will tug on any skin near that bandage, maybe let your limbs hang down to get the blood flow go to them and try to raise the area you worked on.

Be sure to lay so you can sleep well, incase the pills and booz wear off. In the afternoon when you wake up it is time for some Kool-aid and an iron heavy meal. Then head to the bathroom and re bandage. Rebandage once a day no more. Clean with rubbing alcohol if any redness shows up. It will itch thats healing. Avoid hydrogen peroxide it can lead to nastier scars.

I have removed a few moles this way. The one in my armpit bled the worst. It looked like a murder took place in the bathroom. If you get blood on anything then its cold water to get it out. Hot water sets the blood in and makes a stain.

Oh and I think to myself like this as if I am talking through how to do it, as I do it. Don’t try this unless you want to end up in the hospital looking stupid, or die. Thats called a disclaimer.

Yeah just basic first aid training. A high tolerance to medication and vwa la or however that goes. Saved a ton of money. Haven’t gotten my Darwin award for this yet. That means havent died yet. Thought about ordering a surgical steel knife head from x-acto, they make em scalpel shaped.