There have been points where my life was going places… Example my recent college grades, or my once having had a career and house and so on. There have been points where my life was full of adventure… example… nah not going to put crazy adventures into damning, written print, proof. Right now my life is at some hellish low point and when I think about it, the tiny scraps of hope I have been given are pathetic and most likely would not pan out for a week at best. The next few months are going to be hard.

  Dreams are where this post comes into play. Dreams and nightmares. It appears to be a dream, a beautiful dream, that does the most harm and has the most soul crushing affect on my morale.

  Lately I have only been having  nightmares. The toughest part of this is that they are keeping up to date, minute by minute, with my waking life. I go through days I would rather not face and then I sleep to have nightmares about similar events and predicting worse for my next day. I do this only to wake and have my nightmares come to life. This pattern has happened to me before with a certain line of work I detest.

  My daily life has had a few things that help me get through. My parents cat is being nice lately. My half-Korean friend Nick has been having me hang out a bit lately. Most of all I have received a nice letter from my pen pal and plan to send her a rose in response. Sending this rose has become my biggest goal right now, the main thing keeping me going, and what my nightmares latched on to. The nightmares latched on to the rose and created a dream so wonderful that if I woke from it my spirits would be broken. My hopes are frail right now, and the dream played rough.

  The events of this dream are nigh-impossible. There is no way the initial events would ever happen. The stuff after that may be more believable, yet is still more far fetched than reality would ever stretch. My own mind seems to be my biggest enemy.

  As for sending the rose in real life I have been at a loss. Well, till yet again some crazy acquaintance from Xbox has agreed to possibly save the day. The last time this happened I was in a desperate situation and accepted the help and then it never panned out and having trusted the person cost me dearly, as I could have been doing other things while awaiting the help. Therefore, I am not so sure this will pan out. The person has very kindly and generously agreed to send me the money. I am awaiting for its arrival. It would have been as early as today and no later than 2 days from now.

  After the rose is sent my second biggest current and immediate goal is to get back into college. I am working on that. From all angles that looks like it is totally ****ed and never ever going to happen. The scrap of hope I have been thrown on that one is so slim and tiny as to be nearly non-existent. I would certainly have to figure out how to defer the loan until payments had been made on the other person’s debt I have been stuck with at my last college. Then take that piddly degree (associates of the Arts… the worst possible degree and not what I wanted) and my official transcripts to one of two colleges. The affordable one that I could make work would certainly be against me as a person who has nothing but the strongest loathing for my existence is now working there and would see that it is a repeat of my last college experience (the parts that sucked). The other potential college I would have to pray that my grades would get amazing grants and scholarships or I would never be able to afford.

  I ran a 4.0 most of the time and that was the ceiling on grades at the last college I attended. My cumulative was a 3.96 last time I asked that college (after completing my degree). Both would have been above a 4.0 if they didn’t cap out at 4.0 at that college. It only dipped when everyone who could be jealous of me having any success or whom just as a general rule hated me, somehow got control of so much of my life. The biggest problems came from trusting and helping someone I never should have.

The Dream (condensed version)

  My parent’s decided to help me send the rose by gathering enough money to get me a plane ticket to Tokyo. This would never happen in real life. They took me to the airport and got the ticket and as they were doing so I said “Now I just have to figure out how to get a passport in time.” The lady at the counter printing the ticket smiled and said ” Good news, due to some Gundam movie and convention, or something,  Americans don’t need passports to Japan for the next few weeks.” No way in hell this would ever happen, and I am not some huge Gundam nut, so I do not know why that even popped into my dream.

  In the dream everything sounded, looked, felt, smelled, and tasted (My parent’s bought me a meal together… also something that would never happen) completely real. My glasses were not all scratched up and I could see very well and easily in the dream (been needing new glasses for at least 2 years now). In the dream I had thought out and planned how I would make everything work.

  I was going to have Gaijinnass and Yosomono (the two minds behind the best blog I have ever read) meet me at the airport and help me get to Hokkaido to deliver the rose to my pen pal. Then I would come back to Tokyo after anywhere from 1 to 3 days in Hokkaido. They would help me get a work Visa and a job teaching English to troubled Japanese students of middle school or high school level. After which I would try to get on at a college just carrying on conversations in English to help college students polish their mastery of the English language and perhaps teaching about American culture.

  There are some huge problems with this (above paragraph) portion of the dream. I barely know Gaijinass and Yosomono. Even though I admire and respect the hell out of those two, we have only met online through their blog. Yes they have suggested that I sell everything and move to Tokyo. Yes I trust them and would help them any way I could. Still, they barely know me and would have no reason to help me like in the dream, and have problems of their own.

  Next huge issue with the dream. While my pen pal and me have been communicating with each other for years now. While I do admire her and consider her the greatest woman I have ever known. While we do consider each other to be very good and close friends. I do not speak the beautiful language that is Japanese and she does not speak the ugly harsh sounding language that is English. Add that to me showing up with know warning at her place and well… yeah. The dream was too far fetched and impossible.

  In the dream I even said goodbye to a friend I see most Saturdays. Ate some food with him for a little bit. and was getting ready to pack my things. That is when I woke up.

  In a second I was immediately aware that it had all been a lie. That there was no chance of any of that ever happening. All the sick disturbing realities of where I am in life and where my future is going and all I am about to lose and suffer hit me at once.

  I am dead tired and haven’t been sleeping well for weeks. The dream situation made sending the rose seem stupid and pointless. I am still going to send it though. I decided not to go back to sleep and to instead check the mail and see if that which will allow me to send the rose had arrived. Nope, not even one piece of mail for me.

  This dream has absolutely made me abandon all hope. Still I have been living to send the rose. Therefore, I am going to find a way to send it even if I die in the process. The college thing is so absolutely F’d. If I get the rose sent though, it will bring a smile to her face and she will send me another nice letter.

  This is the part where I am done describing this stifling moment in time. This suffocating demoralizing dream has left me sitting here, writing a blog no one will read, sipping a Coca-Cola, and feeling some new kind of pain. I will probably warm up some Ramen for supper/dinner. Although it isn’t the same without eating it with Henry while watching a Zatoichi movie. Then I will look for anything to distract me from the way I feel right now. My YouTube subscriptions page shows that NHK uploaded a new video. It looks like it is about some new samurai drama that will be on TV. The type of thing I dream of directing. Too bad I can’t read the kanji or understand the language enough to justify watching the clip… I think I will anyway.

Advertisements